Lol

Sometimes I wonder why I even try.

:S

head, Shoulder, knee, toe

that's me.

always.

:/

You Really Don't Understand, do You?

It could be anything.

Simple.

:(

Okay...

That's certainly not what I wanted that to be.

But it's ok, because you finally did what you wanted to.

You could probably tell what I wanted you to do, but it didn't matter and you did what you wanted to.

I really am very happy for you.

It actually kinda makes up for the lack luster ending.

Thank you.

However, now the boredom sets in.

BECCA WEINER!

8o

Just a Song (not about me)

The lights of the city always glow
The streaks of the pain that will never show.

The lights of the city always shine
And I want to call them mine.

All you want is to go away,

But the earth calls you back
to take where you met the black.

And you never know
just what it is that will never show.

Everyone looks at you now
They wonder what could control you how,

does the pain of a thousand cuts
hold you in these awful ruts?

And you just laugh.

But the earth calls you back
to take where you met the black.

And you never know
just what it is that will never show.

The sea of a thousand seas
calls you calls you and you cannot see,

what it is that does you wrong.

And you'll never know,
no you'll never know

But the earth calls you back
to take where you met the black.

And soon you'll know
What it is that will never show.

That soon will...

show.

(if only you could hear as I can)

8\

Almost Forgot

Sorry about That.

Didn't mean for that to happen.

Though It still hurts, by the way.

:\

Sad Day

Eh, it's not really that sad.

First I don't get the scholarship I was really hoping to get.

There are others though. Just kinda ticks me off.

I really don't like failing.

Makes me very angry.

The other one...well, whatever.

It happens.

I'll miss it.

Just suck my toe.

I suppose I'll make it.

>:)

(they're horns for my evil man)

What's New?

Not much.

I have nothing else to say.

=D

for now

Choices

I want to. I can't really explain how much I do.

But I can't do that.

I'm sorry if that's not the right answer.

But it's the only answer I have.

:*(

Weekends

I like them.

Time for...well stuff.

Family time, not so fun unless you have two fun brothers, if only the rest of your family wasn't stuck up rednecks. Isn't that an ironical statement.

But that's ok because soon after is time for friends. Who, if they're the right ones are very fun to be around.

It's warm and cozy.

I'm really happy I'm the one playing guitar hero in my underwear, and not watching fitness video while...

not finishing that sentence.

Mary Steenburgen saying, "what the f-ing f!" really made me laugh. She's so hallmark channel (ha that's a fun way to describe someone).

Then hottub parties, which are slowly dying out. But it's ok when you have all stopped coming, I'll still go out alone for the sake of tradition.

If only they didn't end.

Freakin' Norm Ridder and his making us go to school for two more days.

Well, you guys are going to school for two days, I'll be going for one, and maybe band. We'll see I suppose.

Oh cool, pirate hats! And crossbows!

8)

Every Time?

What am I thinking?

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't every single time.

It's like I don't actually want to at all...that's a complete lie.

Maybe you should just stop.

Please don't.

But seriously, why?

I should at least mention something.

(warning, warning, I'm going to randomly not be here in like 5 minutes)

I guess just be ready around 130 or 200, it seems to be my trend.

Argh!

It makes me mad at myself cause I wouldn't want to be sitting, waiting for like 30 minutes uselessly, and yet I do that to you almost every time.

Sorry, you may not think it's a big deal, and myabe it's not, but it still gets on my nerves.

That I can't even stay awake is retarded.

~:(

(that's me steaming)

Seriously?

I spent 30 minutes doing that?

Lol.

I guess at least I know why.

Fun, fun.

@;)

Yes

Uplifting, re-energizing, filling, living, breathing, hoping, wishing, praying, loving

:)

Don't count minutes

they go slower.

<:(

Dislike

I was going to write something else, but I got halfway into it and I realized I didn't actually agree with what I was writing.

So I had to stop, and erase it all.

But, I can't call it a waste.

I just found something that I'm not going to write about.

:p

Roundabout

I'm sitting here...alone...

but I rather enjoy this.

Just to sit here and not have anyone here to judge me, or tell me what I 'need' to do.

It's very relaxing.

But, I find myself deep in thought. And I don't know what I'm thinking about.

I feel confused, scared, worried, and I don't know why.

I just wish I knew why.

Sometimes I wish we were living in the 1400's, I don't have a reason besides I like the clothes.

Is that really what I'm thinking about?

You'd think it would be more important than that.

Whatever, I'll just go with it.

The title of this one is a really cool song. You should listen to it, it has probably the most technical bass line I've ever heard. Well, except for Bela Fleck songs, but Victor Wooten, doesn't count. He's closer to a god than a man.

Why am I even typing anymore? I have nothing to say.

It's just rambling, useless and yet freeing.

A wise man once said something, but noone was there to hear it so nobody knows about it. How sad is that? Maybe it was the best synopsis of life, and know one was there and the man forgot it.

Could life really be as simple as birth, life, death?

Then comes the whole faith thing again. It's believing though there may be little evidence.

I sometimes need proof for things, I believe that's understandable.

But, I love the fact that we must believe in something that can't be proven. Besides, if you don't believe in Heaven, what are you living for?

What could your goal possibly be? Life is not that pointless, it's a journey to attempt to be like someone we could never hope to be.

The thought that an all powerful being would take it's time to make me is a very reassuring thing. Hope is not all in vain.

I can have hope for a lot of things, does that mean that they'll happen, or that they're true?

No. It doesn't. But that's not going to stop me from having hope.

Without hope, I would've been lost a long time ago. I would be somewhere else, getting high and wasted.

Why would someone do that with their life? Just destroy it by wasting it on meaningless things.

YAY BEER?!? Are you retarded?

That's so stupid, and in most cases more hypocritical than I am. I say I'm living for Christ, but am I really? What have I done for Him? Not a whole heck of a lot?

What's even worse than the realization of this fact, is the fact that I know I won't do anything about it. Mostly because I'm afraid.

Which, I suppose answers a journal Ms. Erikson gave us.

She's nuts.

But she asked what are we afraid of doing. And that's mine. I want to play music, I know that's what I'm made to do. Yeah, I'm good at a lot of sports, but I'm broken.

I can't run.

So I turn to music, to make my life whole. I feel alive when I play, or hear it for that matter. It's my purpose for living most days.

I never know what you're thinking. It's so refreshing.

I've been sitting here writing this for 30 minutes now, and you've been reading for what...like 5 maybe. If you've even made it this far.

But that really doesn't matter, does it?

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same...maybe you've started to compare to someone not there.

The Fray is a good band.

My dog just barked and I almost fell out of my chair I jumped so high.

I guess this as good a spot as any to stop.

Thank you very much for reading if you've made it all the way to the end.

Here's a gold star.

:0

Why does that upset me?

:S

Expectations

So yeah, I made 1st chair at state.

Go me.

But the least you guys could do is acknowledge it.

For those of you who actually read this, I don't mean you.

Most of you guys actually congratulated me and were full of good things to say.

But then, others say things like, "Good job doing what was expected." Or better, "I wasn't really surprised."

Really?

Seriously?

I've worked seven years...again...

SEVEN YEARS!!!

to get here. The least you could do is say, "hey man, good job."

I absolutely despise when people says things like that.

What can I possibly do to exceed your expectations?

Or will I only dissapoint you?

How could I ever be able to impress you, if this doesn't do it?

I just can't comprehend how to take away how people see me.

I know I'm good at things. I do. But, it's not because I just woke up one day and decided to be. I try so hard to be the best at everything I do. And it takes its toll.

I'm so tired all the time. I try not to show it, but I could probably sleep for an entire day. I don't ever stop working to get better. I hardly ever do anything for the fun of it.

The only thing that keeps me going is the whopping 3 or 4 of you who would actually stay there if I stopped trying.

It's for you guys and myself that I keep moving.

I hope you know how much I really do love you all.

You love us all?

Yes, I do.

>:(

Gratification

FINALLY!

I've worked so hard for so long, and finally I get some kind of reward. Yeah, I've awards and I've made state before, but to be able to say that I'm the best at what I do in the entire state.

That just takes it to another level.

I can hardly believe it. I knew I could do it, it was just doing it that was the hard part.

I just wish my dad was here to see it. But no, he had to go and take the easy way out.

What a lame-o.

I so freakin' excited right now. I know it's kinda hard to tell if you see me. But trust me, this is the happiest I've been for almost a year now.

I wish every day could be like this.

No pain...it's fun.

Then I get to hang out [and play nancy drew (only slightly pathetic)] with cool people.

I think it's funny that it's always the same three people. We're just the nancy drew team I guess.

It's fun.

I guess that should be the name of this post.

So far senior year has been the best. First we get to have a terrific marching season, and now this. If only everyone was having this good of a time.

But sadly, no.

I think for everyone person having a good time, there is another on the total opposite end of the spectrum.

Maybe I can radiate some of my good feelings off.

It wouldn't do much to quell the pain. But I could certainly try.

Again, I'm right here.

Always.

All you have to do is talk to me.

Well, I'm gonna go back to having fun.

It's fun.

Oh, and also John Mayer is so insanely right. He knows exactly what to say.

;D

What a concert!

=D

Hmm...

Lots of stuff has happened since I was last here.

I'm very not happy about some of it. In fact I'm really pissed off about it.

I just don't understand how the hell someone could hear that and not do anything.

Pardon my German...but what the fuck?

And you call yourselves friends? How could you possibly pass as friends?

Granted, I don't know everything, but still I can't comprehend what could go through a person's head when they percieve something like that is happening.

Messed up.

I really wish I could do something to make things better. But I know I can't. If you ever need to talk, I'll be here. I may not know that pain...but I've dealt with some pretty bad shit lately.

However, on to a more happy note.

I played well tonight.

I'm glad, because I only get one chance at it so if I failed that time I wouldn't get another try.

But I didn't.

Oh, and sorry that I didn't get a chance to talk to you guys. People just friggin' kept coming. I really didn't expect that.

I hope you enjoyed it.

And thank you so very much for coming. It really is greatly appreciated to know that someone else cares.

Again if you ever need to talk...I pretty good at being a wall to yell at. You wouldn't be the first one.

And that's what's happened since I was last here.

=S